For years there was a conspiracy of silence. It was often called a “family matter.” Neighbours would hear the ruckus or see the bruises, but as far as they were concerned, it wasn’t their business.
Sometimes the harrowing abuse leads a woman to the hospital. Sometimes it leads her to the police or a shelter. And then, there are times when the abuse leads a woman to the morgue.
It’s a web of deceit. It’s a web of violence that rears its ugly head at all tiers of society, from the elite to the poor.
“Women live in that cycle for many, many years including ordinary women and professional women,” said Psychotherapist, Dr. Sandra Dean-Patterson who has been assisting abused men and women for 30 years.
“Even if they leave, they often go back. Studies show that women go back as often as 30 times before they leave finally,” she stated.
International statistics indicate that worldwide one in three women are likely to experience some form of violence in their relationship. But although many of them are from different backgrounds, they often speak with one voice.
The hurt and embarrassment are the same.
So what exactly is domestic abuse? According to officials at The Crisis Centre, it is intentionally trying to control the other person. The abuser uses verbal, nonverbal or physical means to gain control over the other person.
Abuse could be physical, psychological or sexual.
Local statistics show that there were 1,261 domestic complaints reported to the police in 2000.
And according to Officer in Charge of Community Relations, Acting Superintendent of Police, Elaine Sands, police officers are called to quell about 15 to 20 domestic disturbances weekly throughout New Providence.
Officer Sands revealed that up to May 2005, six of the 18 murders were domestic related.
Furthermore, twelve of the 44 murders in 2004 were connected to domestic violence.
“Police put a lot of man hours into domestic matters…police officers have to be going to these complaints on a daily basis… people just cannot manage conflict. People want power and control. They have these big egos,” said Ms. Sands.
Ms. Sands pointed out that women make up 80 to 90 percent of the complaints about domestic disturbances. However, there are complaints from men as well. She said there are men who are emotionally abused by their wives or girlfriends.
“Sometimes they are on the edge and feel they might harm the person so they come forward because of the way they feel. They are looking for help,” she stated.
“With domestic violence there are absolutely no boundaries. It’s widespread and anyone could be a victim. They could be found in the church, in the workplace, in the community, anywhere,” she added.
According to Dr. Patterson, there are three stages of physical abuse including the tension building, explosive and honeymoon phases.
The tension building stage is where it is clear that one’s partner is irritated and becomes very argumentative. Then there is the explosion stage where he gets physical by kicking, hitting and/or punching the victim.
But it’s the third phase according to Dr. Patterson that gets the victim further entangled in the web of deceit.
“He says, ‘I only hit you because I love you. If I didn’t love you so much, you wouldn’t be able to get under my skin to cause me to hurt you. I will never do it again.’ Then the flowers, the chocolates and the promises begin,” she pointed out.
“Basically, because there are good times with the person, women are hoping it will not happen again,” she stated.
Dr. Patterson described it as a contagious disease because it repeats itself.
“All of the research shows that girls who grow up in homes where partner abuse occurs are more likely to be abused themselves. They are more likely to tolerate it and make excuses. They saw their mother live with it and forgive it,” she explained.
On the other hand, boys who grow up in that kind of environment are more at risk to be violent themselves.
“If you don’t intervene you have a continuous cycle that goes on from generation to generation. Violence is a learned behaviour, but there is no reason for a woman or man to stay in a relationship where there is violence,” she observed.
Persons needing assistance from domestic violence are urged to call The Crisis Centre’s 24-hour hotline at 328-0922. Part 2 of the series continues tomorrow with the harrowing details of two abused women.
By: HADASSAH HALL, The Nassau Guardian
