Usually I am envious of James Bond, fiction’s most dapper, well-traveled and all around awesome character. Most of the time, 007 is “The Great Life” personified.
But instead of envy I felt pity for him in the franchise re-launch, Casino Royale, and not because I didn’t like the movie (loved it!). I felt pity because Bond had to check into the One & Only Ocean Club on Paradise Island in the Bahamas, which has the notorious distinction of being the worst so-called “luxury” hotel I have ever visited. And I have visited a lot of hotels, good, bad, and ugly.
People ask me for travel advice all the time, and they mostly ask me about bests. “What’s the best hotel you ever stayed at, the best trip you ever took, the best meal you ever ate, the best golf course,” etc., etc. Rarely do they ask about worsts, and the travel media is the same way. You absolutely will never open an issue of Conde Nast Traveler or Travel & Leisure or Golf Digest and have them tell you not to visit a resort. Unlike movie or restaurant reviews, the mainstream travel media is undying in its adulation, invariably flattering, and on those occasions when I have had an assignment to cover a place and felt guilty telling people to go there because it was not worthwhile, the story would be killed, rather than run in a way that reflects reality.
So this is something I need to get off my chest. The Ocean Club is the worst luxury hotel I have been to, period.
I say luxury because travel is all about expectations. I’ve stayed at plenty of Super 8’s and Motel 6’s and while I certainly don’t love them, I usually feel I got my money’s worth and what I expected. I once had a late arrival and early departure the next day from Phoenix, and stayed at an airport hotel at Phoenix Sky Harbor airport where I literally pushed the dresser against the door to ward off a home invasion, but even that was somewhat in sync with expectations for an ultra-cheap, 1-star hotel in a bad neighborhood a few blocks from the airport. On the other hand, the Ocean Club is, in its own not too humble words:
“…a treasured sanctuary of privileged perfection… Today, this alluring beachfront hideaway reflects the glamorous ambience and posh exclusivity of a grand colonial manor, welcoming generations of the world’s travelling elite. .. Here, service is elevated to a fine art form by a gracious staff welcoming you into their colonial plantation home. Warm and inviting accommodation and residential-style villas are ideal for couples and families alike. The dining options at One & Only Ocean Club are renowned and unforgettable featuring the imaginative cuisine of chef Jean-George Vongerichten.”
Lofty expectations indeed – and even more so when the room rates for regular hotel rooms start at $995 a night, while suites, villas, and cottages are considerably more expensive. I picked a random October weekend to check these rates, neither high season nor low season. In general, while you can find rooms for under a thousand bucks on occasion, the Ocean Club is a four-figure property, and I still think you should get something pretty good for those rates. There are just 105 “guestrooms, suites and villas exude a warm and inviting ambience with modern conveniences and the discreet services of a personal butler, 24 hours a day.”
Before I detail exactly what was wrong with my stay, I’d like to add a couple of caveats. First, I was not paying for my very expensive room, which is the norm for travel writers for most publications, and often the case for even those that claim they do not accept free travel. One problem with being a guest for the resort or hotel is that you often receive better treatment than paying customers, and you have to be critical enough to not let this cloud your judgment. Believe me, this was not an issue at the Ocean Club.
Another caveat is that I don’t think there are any great hotels or resorts in the Bahamas, or the potential for them to exist. In their defense, the physical aspects of the property are wonderful and the rooms lavish, which proves that anyone with sufficiently deep pockets can build a monument to marble, but not everyone can deliver of service. I was at the grand opening of the short lived Four Seasons Great Exuma, and one of the managers, with a world of experience in great service economies like the Maldives, told me bluntly that is was impossible to run the hotel up to the brand’s standards in the Bahamas, where highly protectionist labor laws limit experienced and eager staff from being brought in. The hotel closed quickly, a rarity for Four Seasons. I’ve been to hotels on Nassau, Paradise Island, Abaco, and other islands, and the service experience has been completely underwhelming, so I understand the Ocean Club’s challenges. Then again, I didn’t chose to build a high-priced luxury resort in the Bahamas, One & Only did.
I’d like to add that what makes this all the more surprising is that One & Only is actually quite a good company, and their resort in Los Cabos, Mexico, the One & Only Palmilla, is fantastic. I stayed there shortly after it was extensively renovated and rebranded as One & Only, and everything from the room to service to the omnipresent and omniscient butler to that property’s celebrity chef eatery, was exemplary. This makes the puzzle that is the Ocean Club even more confusing.
My visit was years ago, and of course there is always the chance things have changed, possibly even for the better, but it was bad enough where I was not going to entertain the idea of ever returning.
Finally, I’d like to explain that the Ocean Club is a boutique hotel within the larger Atlantis Resort complex. It has its own manicured and landscaped grounds and good modicum of privacy, but many of the facilities, including the golf course, casino, and extensive theme park-style water rides, faux Mayan pyramids, and aquarium-like shark tanks are in the main Atlantis resort.
Here is how my stay went:
