Somewhere between the Nigerians trying to empty my bank account and an Indian who says he can give me a penis a horse would be proud of, I keep getting unsolicited e-mails from something called WebMD. I don’t know what is worse – the Mumbai Willy Whisperer or Internet-based doctors who think they know what is best for me.
Health is a sensitive issue right now, what with the local quack squinting down my ear hole, then shaking his ancient head and telling me I should see an Ent.
I found this odd. Why would a giant tree-like creature that helped destroy the evil Saruman’s fortress at Isengard be interested in my ear? Besides, these brutes are capable of killing an Uruk-hai with a single punch and I wouldn’t want one fiddling about near my eardrum. When I pointed this out, the doctor looked at me through narrowed eyes and said he wanted me to see an ear, nose and throat specialist. Apparently they are also called Ents. I bet people confuse the two all the time.
I generally ignore e-mails from strange doctors on the grounds that, if they were any good, they would be in the Bahamas up to their eyeballs in cocaine and dusky foxes and not wasting their time writing for free on the Internet.
One of their more recent nuggets was headlined: “10 Foods to Boost Male Health”. While I am the first to support the argument that there are enormous, almost insurmountable, differences between men and women, I find it hard to believe that there are as many as 10 different types of food that are great for men but are of no benefit to women. We’re different, but not that different. Bunny chow, for example, is very good for both sexes. And everyone knows that five servings of fruit and vegetables a day will eventually kill you, regardless of your gender.